Månadsarkiv: februari 2018

Ongoing, going on….

Sorting things, sortingsortingsorting… Well, I try anyway. Can not make myself to sort out his clothes yet. It hurts too much. Trying to hit things head on, keeping my head high, going on, making every day work. Being responsible, making dinner, taking Junior to school, to scouts, ordinary things, every day things, and I guess that is what it takes to keep me sane, in some weird way.  

And then I break down. Crycrycry, wanting to hit something, wanting to just scream. But Nah, Im strong, I can do this. And yes, I will. One day it will be a better day, one day I will move on for real. One day my smile will reach my soul, and I will be ok again. But not now, not today, not tomorrow and not on sunday either…. 

Dont know what I expect, really… Only 4 weeks has passed, today, and I think life would be back to some sort of  normal. Silly huh! 4 weeks, a lifetime and no time at all…. There are so many things that hit me in the face all the time. I hear a song and I cry. I see the doves visiting our pidgeons and I cry. I do the effing dishes, and I cry. I see his stuff, and I can not move, can not do anything but touch it softly and crycrycry…. I make plans, what to do next day, next week, next year…. when ever energy will present it self again. But the plans I make are so connected to what we planned, to what we wanted to do, one day. And I die a little bit, for every plan, every dream, every memory that pops up, every impression, every scent, every thought of it all….. All the One day we should have had…..

One day, that will not come now. No matter how much I want it, the days we planned will not come. The dreams of growing old together is dead. The man that I met and married over 14 short years ago, is gone and I am now a widow.

Fuck that!

 

Slow and steady wins the race…

As I am slowly making my way through the days, I think that life will get sorted one day. I have closed his bank account, sent back the wheelchairs, sorted work roster, been to work to face the demons (i.e memories of days gone by with hubby in there), kept Junior busy (and myself of course) and things are slowly falling in to place.  How ever, I can not make myself to throw his clothes away yet. And I am keeping the artificial leg for the time being, because then I can kick it and curse him for leaving me like this!

I count my blessings every day, my absolutely fantastic work family, my son, my friends back home, my own ability to pick up the pieces when my world crumbles. And today I felt really adult and responsible, because I took out a life insurance (I am Swedish after all, we do insure e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g if we can 😆)

The scattering of the ashes was horrible. And good. And even funny. Do you have any idea how much ashes they can jam in to a an urn? Well, I can tell you, it is a whoooooole lot! I thought it was never ending, I thought he would fill up the whole river!

But eventually, the urn was empty, and I just hated it! There was my love, my husband, my heart, floating away from me. But there was a little bit that stayed with us, as if he did not really want to leave us…..I threw his hat in, he took that one right away, it sunk and was not seen again. I threw a last smoke too, and that just floated away, I think he wanted to tell me thay he has stopped smoking now….  We released two of our pidgeons, they made one round to honor him before they took off home. It was young birds, he would have loved to see them flying like that for him.

As we walked away, my mobile went off…. I like to move it, move it…. from the Disney movie Madagascar, that we have laughed at so many times and I just cracked up in laughter, Ok my darling, I get it, huh…..

I loved that man, and I hated him. With dedication and with a vengeance. They say opposites attract, and we sure was, but we were a team. I always knew he loved me, and he knew I loved him, to the bitter end. 

”The best you can hope for, is to die in your sleep”