As I am slowly making my way through the days, I think that life will get sorted one day. I have closed his bank account, sent back the wheelchairs, sorted work roster, been to work to face the demons (i.e memories of days gone by with hubby in there), kept Junior busy (and myself of course) and things are slowly falling in to place. How ever, I can not make myself to throw his clothes away yet. And I am keeping the artificial leg for the time being, because then I can kick it and curse him for leaving me like this!
I count my blessings every day, my absolutely fantastic work family, my son, my friends back home, my own ability to pick up the pieces when my world crumbles. And today I felt really adult and responsible, because I took out a life insurance (I am Swedish after all, we do insure e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g if we can 😆)
The scattering of the ashes was horrible. And good. And even funny. Do you have any idea how much ashes they can jam in to a an urn? Well, I can tell you, it is a whoooooole lot! I thought it was never ending, I thought he would fill up the whole river!
But eventually, the urn was empty, and I just hated it! There was my love, my husband, my heart, floating away from me. But there was a little bit that stayed with us, as if he did not really want to leave us…..I threw his hat in, he took that one right away, it sunk and was not seen again. I threw a last smoke too, and that just floated away, I think he wanted to tell me thay he has stopped smoking now…. We released two of our pidgeons, they made one round to honor him before they took off home. It was young birds, he would have loved to see them flying like that for him.
As we walked away, my mobile went off…. I like to move it, move it…. from the Disney movie Madagascar, that we have laughed at so many times and I just cracked up in laughter, Ok my darling, I get it, huh…..
I loved that man, and I hated him. With dedication and with a vengeance. They say opposites attract, and we sure was, but we were a team. I always knew he loved me, and he knew I loved him, to the bitter end.